From where does the evil teddy bear known only as "Teddy" come???? I have no idea. He's a mystery, but below are the many tales he's told me about his origins. I don't believe any of them, but you never know. He might actually have told the truth once.
|"Evil Toys is us" was started in 1902 by Franklin A. Dubious, a lifelong toymaker and candidate for the Royal Order of Freemasons. Franklin believed that every third toy should be a so called "evil" toy. He subsequently created several lines of evil toys, including evil jacks, evil dolls (A.K.A. Barbie), and at least one evil stuffed bear.|
|Dr. Hugo Von Poopenschtein came to power in the Nazi regime of 1940s Germany. After his capture, he was employed by the American Government in top secret research and development where he researched immortality through the transmigration of souls; he was also the secret inventor of cherry flavored Pop-Tarts, which he'd affectionately dubbed "Cheery Poopies!" Part scientist, part occultist, he reportedly succeeded in capturing the soul of the future Anti-Christ and placing it in a stuffed animal, which was then promptly "lost" in a bureaucratic system designed exclusively for the purpose of "losing" things (i.e. the U.S. Postal Service).|
|Insane seamstress, Alice Ima Meanie, great, great granddaughter of Betsy Ross (famous for allegedly sewing the first American flag), lived a short and troubled life. Having given birth to an astonishing 22 children, she became increasingly unstable after her youngest son slaughtered an estimated 40 victims in his short, but violent criminal career. While she spent most of her life manufacturing beloved dolls for her father's toy company, it is rumored her last creation was a bear, stuffed with the psychopathic bones of her executed son.|
|In the pre-Genesis history of the holy battle for heaven, Lucifer and a small, but loyal band of angels waged a Holy war against God. Having lost his place at the right hand of the Holy Father, Lucifer Morningstar sacrificed his most brutal and loyal of angels, known only as "Ted", by cutting his heart out with a dull pudding cup lid. He then offered it to God in the hopes of not only regaining His favor, but also regaining his place in heaven. The ploy failed. Knowing such a betrayal would create a revolution among his loyal fallen angelic followers, he hid the heart in the one place no one would ever think to look: a teddy bear.|
|Marlon Brando, famed actor and glutton, had a small, but unique teddy bear manufactured to soothe him to sleep during the long summer nights on his French-Polynesian island. One night a full moon and several cases of tainted Ho Hos created night terrors in the Academy Award winner which produced a foul, toxic sweat. It is reported this sweat imbued the teddy bear with all the evil of the known Universe.|
|Accidentally flushed into the sewers of New Orleans by a drunken Voodoo Priestess, her "Totem" (a.k.a. hiding place for a soul) in the shape of a Teddy Bear absorbed the excrementary fluids and thereby the sins of the entire city. It was swallowed by an alligator, spit up on shore, then struck by an errant bolt of lightning. You know lightning . . . it's always bringing evil stuff to life.|
Jimmy John Hickman was the most evil man ever born into the sleepy town of Jasper, Texas. Known as "Hickler" by his fearful neighbors, he was reportedly abducted by aliens one Halloween night. After a darn good probing, the aliens, in a rush, attempted to
"beam him down like they do on that cool Star Trek show"to the nearest terrestrial Wal-mart. They unfortunately missed and melded his evil molecules with that of a Teddy Bear.
|Hitler's teddy bear . . . 'nuff said.|
|Teddy isn't actually alive at all, but just a figment of Lucy's imagination. Weird, huh? Or maybe he is alive and it's Lucy who's a figment of his imagination. Either way, we'll all be happy just as soon as they kill Unkey Jerry!|